and it’s a problem.
Sigh. It is awkward and a bit embarrassing to write about this in such a public forum like my blog. But I am writing about it because I want a better way of holding myself accountable on this.
You see I have always been passionate and emotional and opinionated. I think anyone who has ever known me has seen this, ha. And a lot of the times, this is great.
But other times it is not so great. Because I get really invested and caught up sometimes in things that really don’t matter. Sure, a lot of the stuff that I focus my energy and passion on matter, but some other stuff really doesn’t matter. And I think the internet is the biggest culprit of this.
I get way too invested in talking to people on the internet. I know people say, remember these are real people you are talking to on the internet. And a lot of the time, I do remember that. Sometimes, I remember it too much, if that makes sense. It’s harder to let it go when you are talking to a real person. It’s harder to let something mean or misleading or deceptive to go unchallenged when you know somewhere on the other end there is a real person reading it. I don’t want someone to read that things that is deceptive and believe it just because nobody took the time to say hey, that’s not true. I don’t want somebody to read that mean comment and think that everyone agrees with said person because nobody took the time to say hey, that’s mean and unfair. And it’s hard to be on the receiving end of those mean comments as well.
Too often, I’m typing things out and along the way, somebody says something and that sometimes upsets me, like really upsets me, like makes me cry, whether or not it was intended or even aimed at me (this is exaggerated by my pregnant state). Frequently Nick just tells me to walk away. But I have such a hard time walking away because it feels like I’m giving in and admitting defeat. It’s not that I don’t think I’m right or I think said other person is right, but that I care too much and I’ve become too invested and I need to just step back because I don’t like the way it’s make me feeling. But it feels like a loss. The worst is when I’ve said I’m done discussing something but the other person comments back anyways. Then I feel like I’m not defending myself if I don’t comment back, but I try really hard to stick to my word if I said I’m done discussing something and just walk away, check the stop following button if I can.
But it’s hard. I struggle with it so much. Am I the only person who struggles with this? Am I even making any sense? Some people would say I take everything too seriously/literally/too much to heart, but part of that is just part of who I am. I have always tried my best to put forth 100 percent effort and mix that with passion and I do take a lot of stuff personally. I can remember stuff that people said to me in real life (and even on the internet) that hurt me – things people probably don’t even remember saying to me. People have often labeled me as too sensitive and maybe I am. And maybe sometimes that’s a bad thing, but maybe sometimes it’s a good thing, because I feel my sensitivity has helped me be more compassionate towards others, to feel more intensely when I hear about other’s sufferings when some people might just turn it off. But sometimes it also just really sucks to feel so much. I don’t always want to take everything as an insult that wasn’t meant as an insult, but sometimes I do, even though I try not to. I’m always over thinking and overanalyzing and now, I am over rambling, so I think I will end it there. I’ve been vulnerable enough for one day. Sometimes I write these things and think about not publishing them, but I think the world is a better place when we are more honest with each other about our lives and our feelings and our struggles, so that’s why I hit publish anyways, even though it’s hard to be vulnerable. But sometimes, vulnerability is what is needed the most.