Moving Forward Even When You’re Scared

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Yesterday, Nick lost his job.

Part of me still can’t process this. Part of me thinks that tomorrow he’s going to wake up and go to work again. Part of me thinks that it can’t possibly be true. Part of me thinks this is only a bad dream.

But it’s not. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.

Terrified even sometimes.

Because I don’t do well with the unknown. And because, as you know, as a stay at home mom, Nick was our only source of real income. I bring in a bit here and there, but nothing anywhere close to paying even one of our bills.

So to say it’s scary? Yeah, that about sums up my feelings.

I spent a lot of yesterday feeling sorry for myself and crying. And worrying about the kids. Sometimes big questions (How long will this last? Will he be able to find a new job? What about the mortgage/electricity/etc?). Sometimes little questions (Will I still be able to make a special birthday for Allen?) Always questions that have no answer.

Today I woke up with a new resolve.

Am I still scared? Yes. Yes, I am still so scared. This is a scary position that we’ve never been in before.

But I prayed a lot and Nick and I have talked a lot and I have a lot of friends who have been so encouraging about this situation.

And sometimes when you wake up, you just put one foot in front of the other and then another and then another and you keep going even when you feel like, “What’s the point?” Because these two little guys depend on me and they need me to keep being their mom even when I’m scared. Even when I don’t know how to answer Dominic’s questions about whether or not daddy is going to work today. Even when I don’t know what will happen the next day.

Because they still need to be fed. And the dishes still need to be washed. And the laundry still needs to be folded. Because these kids still need me. And I’m still scared, but putting my life on hold accomplishes nothing.

Today I have this resolve. Tomorrow? Who knows. Tomorrow I may not be so positive.

But one day at a time . . .

One foot at a time . . .

One moment at a time . . .

I think I have to find a way to keep moving forward.

I think I have to find a way to cling to my God and to trust that He knows the unknowable.

I think I have to.

I think I have to.

I think I have to.

Even when I don’t always know if I can.

I think I have to.

I think I have to.

I think I have to.

Writing this post for me has been a way to keep moving forward. I wanted at first to say nothing – to pretend like nothing had changed – because even admitting this out loud is scary. But we didn’t ask for this – nobody asks for this – and so in writing this post, I choose to acknowledge it happened, I choose to acknowledge my fear, I choose to acknowledge that I have a choice where I can choose to move forward or choose to let the fear consume me. I hope that I can choose to move forward every day, but I know that it will not be easy to do so every day. 

Also a picture of my boys – for cuteness and because they make me smile.

My two boys - I love these little guys so much.

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