I Let Fear Stop Me

People tend to think of me as a confident person. But I have a secret. Deep down, I’m afraid. Deep down, there is fear.

I’m afraid of a lot of things that are common fears. I’m afraid of spiders. I’m afraid of snakes. I’m afraid of getting into a car accident.

But none of that stuff is shocking or hard to admit.

But sometimes, I let fear control me.

Not the fear of spiders or the fear or snakes or the fear of getting into a car accident.

No, it’s a different fear. A fear that I suspect is more common than we let on.

The fear of being judged. The fear of people making negative comments. The fear of people not liking me.

I am afraid sometimes that if I open my mouth and disagree with someone that people will like me less. I am afraid that the more people know about me the less they will like me and that the only reason they like me is because they don’t really know me. That they will think I’m a bad mom or a bad human being (the propensity of strangers to give me unsolicited, unhelpful, sometimes judgmental parenting advice doesn’t help me either).Me climbing the ropes course at Kalahari Theme Park

I let this fear stop me. I let it stop me from saying things that I really want to say. I let it stop me from doing things I really want to do. I let it nudge me into doing something I don’t want to do because I’m afraid if I don’t do it that they’ll think less of me. I let this fear control me.

I know who I am, but I find it hard to set myself free of caring about what other people think. Perhaps it’s insecurity. Perhaps it’s just my struggle with people pleasing. Perhaps it’s a million different things, but why should I let those things stop me? I am a redeemed child of God and my friends and family love me for who I am. I know this. But yet, I doubt myself all the time.

Towards the beginning of April, Nick and I went away for the weekend, just the two of us, for the first time. Part of the time we went to this indoor theme park and they had a high ropes course. So I thought, I’m going to do it.

Getting all hooked up, I wasn’t afraid. But it was terrifying once I was actually up there. And I was shaking. But I thought to myself, if I just keep moving, if I just keep going, I can do this. This is perfectly safe. I can do this.

And I did it! I completed the whole course.

But then, I decided to try the climbing wall. And I didn’t even make it halfway up. I came back down, defeated, unable to do it. Because while I was up there I started to think about how I couldn’t do it. And then I got nervous and I got scared and I couldn’t do it. Even though I had seen kids half my age doing it with no problems.  I quit.

And I think sometimes that’s my biggest issue, that I get inside my head too much and I think about it too much. I think about how people will perceive me too much. And really, it’s all wrapped up in me. I highly doubt other people are thinking about me as much as I think they are thinking about me.

Me attempting the climbing wall at Kalahari Theme Park

We’ve been reading (affiliate linkThe Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst in my moms’ group and I’ve been thinking a lot about why I say yes to things and no to things and sometimes I do think it is fear. But fear, I don’t think, is a good reason.

I don’t really have a conclusion to this blog post. I’ve been trying to think of one and I’ve got nothing. The fear part of me says, “Without a conclusion people will think this is a terrible post!”

But so what? So they think it’s a bad post, then so what? Does it change who I am? No. I am who I am and I want to live confidently in that.

Is this a struggle for you? How do you combat feeling like this? 

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